The Sail of Thoughts

When My Heart Cries (1)

2008-11-14T10:30:00.003+08:00

There is a reason I cry...this time, because of adik. I love you as an adik... but you disappointed me. Despite all the pep talks, you're still the same you. I was hoping you'd change for good... but you disappoint me.

Why are you doing that to the girls who love you, adik? Why do you USE them to your advantage?Why can't u lift your butt, get out and get yourself a job? Why are you damn LAZY? Why are you indolent?

I love you so much adik... but I simply detest what you're doing to others. I detest your selfishness.

Sigh...

Live life to its fullest

2008-11-13T19:31:00.005+08:00

Some people are just plain lucky, born as a silver spoon. Some people are just plain lucky, born with nothing but manage to live life lavishly, always manage to get help from all around him/ her. As for myself, when I have cash, I spend it on myself, my family members, my friends. When I'm drained out, I'll stick my butt on this loyal chair of mine and abstain myself from going out.

As for some I know, they're damn lucky bastards who get aided each time they need money. Aren't we supposed to work our ass out to earn money? But these people are damn lucky. There will always be someone at their rescue when they're in deep shit. Hehh...some lucky bastards.

Hey... it's okay... do not expect help from anyone. HELP yourself! You're in pain... so what? Walk through it... in time you'll find remedy to the pain. The pain will fade away. It will, trust me. Trust God. When you're in good fortune, live up to your own expectation. Live life to its fullest. Don't complaint too much. Allah will get crossed when you expect too much from and you don't give him anything in return.

Walk gracefully although your toes caught pebbles and bleed, keep walking... the pain will go away.

Craps ah apa aku tulis nih... but what the heck?

"Come back" to the chat room

2008-10-30T02:48:00.002+08:00

Yes, is has been a while since I last chatted, it has been a while too I blogged. Loss of interest, loathe, self-exile...the cause of the long silence. I made a comeback, but I think it wasn't such a good idea. Perhaps I should remain missing-in-action till the thought of me fade away from everyone's thought. Being there opened up a new chapter but the story line is similar...hatred, vicious talks, bla bla bla. But somehow or rather I'm thankful for I found myself a new batch of friends...it's just that I'm seeing through how the friendships will last time around. I smiled, I cursed silently at those throwing atrocious words towards me...sigh...we can never please everyone we know and no matter how much we stay away from some, they're so attracted to splatter our lives with unwanted colors. I will remain silent for as long as I can withold myself. I'll just do that.

Orang yang GILA di Dunia Ini

2008-06-05T20:28:00.002+08:00

Sesungguhnya dunia ini dipenuhi oleh orang2 yang gila. Terutama mereka yang dah biasa berchatting bertahun2... dan khususnya jantan2 yang dah senget otaknya. Aku ketika ini dikelilingi orang2 yang gila... baik perempuan baik lelaki.... bukan lelaki... JANTAN is probably a better term for them.

Apa lagi dugaan yang nak Kau berikan kepada hambaMu ini ya Allah? Bila aku akan dapat melepasi fasa ini?

Aku letih dan lemas dengan langau2 ni semua.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T19:38:00.002+08:00

A day for every woman called mother.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom even though I didn't wish her. I tried to, but somehow those words failed to be uttered by me. Nevertheless I love you mak, you're the light of my life actually. I will always love you... and I know you love me too despite your ways of manifesting it towards me.

Because I failed to wish my own mom on this auspicious day, I reverted to wishing my friends who are mothers to somebody else. I don't really remember how many of them but I just composed a text and sent them to selected ones from my cell's list.

It's amazing when you send your thoughts and some of them responded and made you feel uplifted. I think I needed it... after all it wasn't a bad idea sending the text to the names stored in my cell... although some weren't that close to me.

Today I wish everyone dear to my heart, those I barely know, and to myself (eventhough I don't qualify as a mother just yet)

Mothers are like diamond...they deserve great attention from each of us.

What do I want from you?

2008-05-10T20:50:00.003+08:00

You asked me the other day... What do you want from me, B?

I want you to be there for me...
I want you to give me special treatment
Just like how you used to
I want you to give me the attention I want
I want you not to hurt my feelings any more

I want things to be like it used to be
Although many things are limited
I want your love until I find someone else.

THAT is what I want from YOU!

You OWE me all those for all the pain you caused me.
... as I am still bleeding profusely.

King of Sorrow

2008-05-03T20:02:00.005+08:00

I'm crying everyone's tears
and there inside our private war i died the night before
and all of these remnants
of joy and disaster
what am i supposed to do
i want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
but nothing would change nothing would change at all
it's just a day that brings
it all about
just another day
and nothing's any good

the dj's playing the
same song
i have so much to do
i have to carry on
i wonder if this grief will
ever let me go
i feel like
i am the king
of sorrow
the king of sorrow

i suppose i could just walk away
will i disappoint my future
if i stay
it's just a day that brings
it all about
just another day
and nothing's any good
the dj's playing the
same song
i have so much to do
i have to carry on
i wonder will this grief
ever be gone
will it ever go
i'm the king
of sorrow
the king of sorrow

i'm crying everyone's tears
i have already paid for all
my future sins
there's nothing anyone
can say to take this away
it's just another day
and nothing's any good

i'm the king
of sorrow
king of sorrow

present state of mind

Kelukaan Hati

2008-05-03T00:51:00.002+08:00

Bicara demi bicara
Semuanya berbau kekecewaan dan kemarahan
Kelukaan yang menyelar dagingku
Mencengkam ke tulang

Aku belum sembuh dari luka ini
Ia masih berdarah lagi
Kapan bisa berhenti
Darah yang mengalir ini

Setiap kali luka berdenyut
Setiap itu jantung bagai diragut
Perasan yang amat terluka ini
Kapan akan sembuh

Tidakkah kau mengerti
Perasaanku ini
Yang amat terluka olehmu
Kau yang melukainya
Lantas kau biarkan ia mengubat sendiri
Kesakitan yang tidak upaya aku tanggung
Sakit ini kapan akan hilang
Kapan???

Masa yang hilang

2008-05-01T00:30:00.002+08:00

Puas aku cuba untuk membuangnya dari ruang ingatanku ini... dari ruang hatiku ini... tapi yang tercipta hanyalah ruang rindu yang begitu luas, tak terupaya untuk aku mengisinya dengan benda-benda lain. Tak cukup-cukup inti untuk aku kambus ruang rindu itu. Aku lelah mencuba lalu aku pasrah...lebih ku cuba untuk membenci, lebih menusuk kepedihan di hati ini. Biarkanlah... kalau aku dah tak boleh paksa diri ini untuk membencinya maka biarlah dengan sendirinya nanti dia luput. Aku tak mampu menipu hati aku sendiri. Aku masih sayangkannya walau pun aku amat sedar dan akur bahawa aku tak mungkin dapat bersamanya.

Aku memaafkannya, tapi saki baki cinta, kasih dan sayang aku masih tertinggal. Tak mampu aku mengikisnya. Aku bingung...aku tidak mencintainya seperti dahulu tapi aku masih belum upaya melupakannya dan aku tak berdaya memaksa diri lagi.

Telah ku beritahu kepadanya apa yang terbuku dalam hati ini... sudah puas aku meluahkan perasaan kecewa, marah, pilu, sakit, terluka yang teramat sangat di hatiku ini kepadanya... dia berkali-kali mengucapkan rasa bersalahnya terhadapku...berkali-kali memohon kemaafan dariku... tapi aku masih tidak dapat melepaskannya dari ruang hati ini.

Bukan aku mahu kami kembali bersama... aku tahu itu tidak akan berlaku. sama sekali tidak, melainkan ianya adalah ketentuan Illahi. Tapi aku masih mahu dia berada di sisiku walau pun tidak seperti dahulu.

Aku bingung... salahkah aku berfikiran begini? Salahkah aku bertindak begini? Salahkah aku mahukan ini?

Aku tahu kau juga dalam keperitan, walau pun aku dengan mudah boleh melemparkan kata-kata "padan muka" kepadamu tapi aku tidak sejahat itu walau pun sesekali hati kecil ini membisikkan kata-kata itu. Aku tidak memaksudkannya... walau pun segala-galanya berpunca dari perbuatanmu sendiri, dan kau sendiri telah mengakuinya. Semuanya salahmu! Itu yang kau acapkali lontarkan dari mulutmu bila berbicara hal ini denganku.

Aku merindui waktu-waktu yang kita lalui bersama... amat terasa kehilangan saat-saat itu. Kekesalan tidak habis-habis singgah di fikiranku ini. Alangkah baiknya kalau waktu ini dapat diulangi dan takdir diperbetulkan... tapi siapa aku untuk merubah semua itu?

Aku hanya mampu berserah padaNya untuk menentukan tindakan aku seterusnya. Kau yang lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untukku dan untuk semua...

Fucked up!

2008-04-05T08:59:00.002+08:00

Just at the time I was able to forgive him and decided to accept his offer to be best friends, something else cocked up. We went for a drink last nite after my gym time.... as we were chatting, his wife came charging. Her words were slicing and I felt humiliated. Sigh...

It was a mere "catching-up with each other" session... What did I do wrong?

A Painful Reminiscence

2008-03-28T21:48:00.002+08:00

I attended a meeting at the homestay today. It used to be a short journey then... when each time I drive to my destination, he'd accompany me with short texts till I entered the no-coverage zone. It would be a mesmerizing moment driving home when each time I head out to the mobile coverage zone again, my cell phone would be reverberating with delayed texts from him... and I would be killing my boredom while driving by replying the texts. He'd be the first one I share with my positive thoughts of the outcome from each meeting I attended. I'd sometimes head straight to his office and bring him something to lunch on while I tell-tale on the meeting I attended. He'd listen although he hasn't much views to share with me on my things. I missed those moments....

Today, as I passed the road while driving, I craved for those moments again. I wish things were like it used to be when we were together... My heart wept as I drove home...

Sensitive meter in ON.

The New Me

2008-03-27T21:22:00.002+08:00

It was painful... it was tearful... it was HELL. Yes, I was in HELL for some months. I've just found my way out of HELL and I want to be free as a bird and can do as I wish. YES, I'm on my way out. My crumbling heart is healing but scarring. The least I can be happy about is that the pain is diminishing and I am supposed to be able to move on with my life.

MOVE on, Sailor... sail your life in PEACE.

The Sailor.

A Surprise Visit

2008-03-27T20:31:00.003+08:00

It was a Saturday. I suddenly felt like giving him a surprise visit. Parked my car next to his, in front of his office entrance. Adik called him, he didn't answer. I told her, sms him and tell him we're waiting for him downstairs or we climb up to meet him. He replied, saying he's not in the office. I knew my instinct was strong enough to know that he's there. On a milder tone, Adik sent him a text, saying that we knew he was there. After a while, he came down and sat next to me in the car. We talked peacefully. I didn't want to create a scene. I wanted to find out if I could face him without rage and grudge. We talked through the one hour docilely. I told him that I'm accepting his offer to be my best friend... and I hoped that he was sincere and honest. I told him to be the best of friend to me. It was rather a short meet. We shook hands, I couldn't find myself kissing his hand as I used to. I asked for a kiss but the kiss I meant was a peck on the lips, and that was what I gave him. He was probably expecting a mouthful kiss...I couldn't give one no more. I don't know if that was gonna be my last meet with him...

I wasn't sure of what I did on that Saturday... out of impulse I set up that meet. I must be out of my mind... but it's always me, one who acts upon impulse. But I meant well. Honestly I did.

Perplexed me.

Best Friends???

2008-03-14T20:56:00.004+08:00

On March 5th, I received this on my YM from him:

"morning
i hope u getting well n better...
just wanna say how sory i am...
but wat was happen is for ur own good in life
i have to make ur hate me
as i told u its not bcoz other person termasuk nadira
all happen its bcoz of me only..
hope u understand
i hope we can become as best fren"

Disregard the grammar mistakes...Now let me ask you (as if you're standing right in front of me, heh!!) you've hurt me to the core and you expect us to be BEST FRIENDS? Who do you think you are to me right now? Pretending as if nothing had ever happened between us and wanting us to just carry on being the best of friends? You impounded my heart for a year and ditch it in the trash bin as if I am something you could just keep and discard as and when you like.

What you did unto me, I shall never forget till the last breath of my being... to forgive? Maybe, one day when I'm fully healed from this pain or when I've finally managed to thwart the thought of you in my head.

It is best for both of us to go our separate ways... how could I ever be your best friend when you've betrayed me, breached my trust and faith in you? How could I ever carry on pretending as if you had done nothing wrong? How could I walk straight and not feel the pain when i've bumped into the streetlight?

How could I talk, eat, sit, laugh with you when I'm actually crying with pain inside? How could I pretend?

I can't... I just can't... I'm sorry, your request is one I can't fulfill. Not at this very moment. Probably NOT EVER. I can't give the answer you want.

Enough is Enough

2008-03-13T12:32:00.002+08:00

I've had enough of endlessly trying to dedicate myself to the ones I love and ensure that I do not hurt their feelings. I am going to be selfish this time. I will treat my own wound and will only learn not to hurt my own feelings. I vow to do so right now.

I do not want to be associated with anyone from my past ugly life experience.

Time to heal my own wound. Time to take care of my own feelings. Time to stand up for myself. Time to move forward without looking back at what had devastated me.

A Note for You

2008-03-13T00:12:00.003+08:00

We go a long way... 2002. I can vividly remember how it started, how we called it off for a couple of years and how we reconciled. Damn it, you've taught me happiness, you've hurt me and tormented my emotions, you've "school'd" me, you've showered me with joy, you've bucketed me in sorrow, you've done just about everything to me and made me cried tears of pain and happiness through all the years. I've loved you much, I've hated you much, I've tried hating you but I can't lie to myself... I've always loved you. ALWAYS... no matter how far we've come apart now, how intimate we had became once. Despite all the pain you put me through, YOU are the one I love most. You are the only one I have come to accept that should "jodoh" not be there for us, we will still be friends...we will still share the ups and downs went through together.

I missed you so much Jen... I really do. You are still the one I love ALWAYS.

I'm hurt again by another man, Jen... but it's still you I am missing right now. It's still you I want now...

That Last Kiss...

2008-03-12T20:35:00.006+08:00

31st December 2007 - The last day we ever kissed with immense feelings for each other... at least mine was filled with so much love for you. Yours was probably a fake to please me with which you hurt me deep and will never be forgotten and forgiven. The kiss in which are buried all your pretense, lies, deceptions... and meaningless kiss for you. THAT KISS... definitely the last one for us.

Shattered into pieces.

Apa itu cinta?

2008-03-11T15:49:00.002+08:00

Apa benar cinta itu buta? Aku rasa mungkin iya. Aku jadi buta kerana cinta. Aku fikir cinta aku itu cinta yang sejati hingga ke akhir hayat setelah berkali2 gagal di pertengahan jalan. Aku fikir dengan cinta yang kuberi hidup lebih bermakna. Aku fikir dengan cinta yang kuberi aku dapat membahagiakan orang yang aku cintai dan diriku sendiri. Tapi semuanya tidak seperti yang aku sangka. Cinta itu menyakitkan aku. Cinta itu satu penipuan. Cinta itu menghancurkan sekujur tubuh ini. Aku seratus peratus memenuhi ruang hati ini dengan cinta yang aku ada...tapi cinta itu tidak dihargai... Cinta aku itu dipersia2kan... Ke mana hilangnya nilai cinta yang aku dedikasikan hanya untuk mu?

Apa erti cinta yang selama ini aku percaya amat murni dan indah bila dilalui bersama orang yang tercinta tapi jelas sekali amat melukakan aku di waktu ini?

Dapatkah aku percaya lagi pada kesucian cinta? Dapatkah lagi aku menerima cinta dari insan lain?

Pernah aku dipesan oleh mak aku sendiri... cintai diri sendiri sebelum mencintai orang lain. Aku rasa aku perlu belajar mencintai diri aku sendiri. Aku perlu mencintai diriku sendiri... Aku perlu letak Allah sebagai cintaku yang utama.

I need to redefine my definition of LOVE.

Sakit Kepala

2008-03-03T19:02:00.002+08:00

Hari ni kepala aku sakit. SANGAT SAKIT. Aku paling benci kalau aku diasak dengan soalan2 yang aku tak boleh jawab. Lagi2 kalau aku ditanya oleh ayah aku sendiri. Aku tak boleh beritahu dia masalah sebenar aku. Aku berdolak dalik mengatakan itu ini adalah masalah aku. Yang lebih menyakitkan adalah bila aku nak beritahu yang sebenarnya tetapi aku tak boleh bercerita...TIDAK BOLEH. Ia adalah sangat2 menyakitkan.

Kepala aku sakit, jiwa aku sakit, satu badan aku sakit, segala-segalanya sakit.

SAKIT.

My two sisters

2008-02-27T20:07:00.005+08:00

Along the years of chatting, I found myself TWO sisters who are always there through my thicks and thins. Za & Jue... Thank you for being there for me when I was in the deepest pain ever. Thank you for being there too thru all the sweet moments.

Personal note to Zaza: Pls know that akak will always treasure and appreciate our sisterhood... you had been there most of the time. I truly can't imagine my days without you when you finally graduate and will leave Kuala Lumpur. Until that day comes, I refuse to think of the moment.

Personal note to Jue: I hope you will come to understand me completely in the days to come. I will always love you.

Note to both of you: Akak will always love both of you, come what may...

A blessing in disguise

2008-02-27T18:57:00.002+08:00

It's his 36th birthday, and I'm not well wishing him. I have had enough of his antiques... his LIES especially. I've put up ENOUGH. I pray that you realize what you had done all these while... and repent. You're the biggest mistake in my life...but it's a blessing in disguise. Thank you Allah!

Crossed on the day of your 36th year of birth.

In Pain...

2008-02-23T04:12:00.002+08:00

For the umpteenth time... I am hurt. By the one I love most. My heart's shattered in pieces and I'm pulling myself out from the doldrum. Ya Allah... please give me the strength to live through this pain, to find a new beginning to this life I'm living, to start afresh and to HEAL from this pain. Please have mercy on me.... Please forgive me for all my wrongdoings... for I'm humbly your slave who is never perfect. Please give me strength, patience and perseverance. I thank you Allah for everything...

The Birth of A New Member

2008-01-08T02:50:00.001+08:00

8th January 2008... the birth of a baby boy at Putrajaya Hospital. I burst with happiness for the one I love, as I believe this is definitely the happiest day in his life. Earlier yesterday morning I had a hunch that his wife would probably gave birth yesterday morning, but I guess the hunch wasn't exactly right.

Deep inside I still felt that this would be the day. Half-heartedly I asked him out for a drink with some friends...half-hearted because I hunched something was about to happen. Nevertheless, we went out for the drink. Not too long after that, he received THE call. It's about time. We left the shop and headed home. I don't really know how he felt at time but I tried to put myself in his shoes in that moment of truth. I offered my help in any kind if he needed it. Message was digested well, we parted and kept in touch via sms.

The sms marathon was slow but consistent enough till he went for his late dinner. I called and chatted with him while he was having his dinner...kept him company till he returned to the hospital. The conversation ended there. I couldn't sleep just yet, I started on the letter I promised him and asked him for details in my sms. He replied my sms with a surprise... the little one was born! Alhamdulillah... my deepest congratulations to you my dear one... I treat the newborn as the latest loved one. May the birth of the little one bring us rezeki... Insya'Allah... isn't Allah GREAT?

I smiled endlessly tonite, I hope my presence during the moments make a meaning in your life, mine and ours. I love you so much...

Dawning of the new year

2008-01-02T01:24:00.000+08:00

I am looking forward to the dawning of 2008. 2007 is a year I would like to stack far far away from my thoughts. I hope this year will bring me more luck, fortune, happiness. I pray to Allah that everything will go well for me and my loved ones this year.

2nd month into 2007

2007-02-08T17:42:00.000+08:00

The year didn't start on a comfortable footing. I was uncertain on a lot of things...such as the tuition, the homestay programs, the cultural performances...is gonna be okay for me this year? As I remember, tuition didn't start off well. Wei Wei's mom cut down the number of classes to two per week. I am damn sure that it isn't enough to help with his studying but since they're the customers, they're always right (well, I don't have much say on it...let's just see how bad things will get after his first test!)

The homestay...phew...fortunately there are 2 reservations, but small number...at least better than nothing at all. The cultural performance? NOT YET!

It's a slow year for me. I wasn't prepared to plunge in it, anyway. Allah, give me the strength to move on.

reaching the new year

2006-12-23T20:04:00.000+08:00

I'm in depression again...why? i really don't know. Sigh...! Mungkin masalah2 yang melanda ni membuatkan kepala otak aku serabut kembali. Allah, berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk mengharungi setiap satu dari dugaanMu.

-In Depression-

Program Anak Angkat UiTM Shah Alam

2006-10-02T00:22:00.001+08:00

For the first time I organized such event. Did it alone. Thanks to mozart^ for bringing me to his kampung. That was where the event took place. I managed to make some ties, know some of the villagers, made some friends. It felt GREAT.

36 and still living

2006-09-22T01:09:00.000+08:00

Syukur Alhamdulillah...36 and still breathing. As usual, when it draws close to the day I'll turn emotional...a turbulence of emotions. Only Kuantan remembered to wish me before he went to sleep... the rest forgot `bout it. Sedihhh....

Aku Ingin

2006-07-13T23:05:00.000+08:00

Hatiku tersentuh lagi...

Lagu ini sudah lama berkumandang di corong2 radio Malaysia, sudah pernah aku dengar dan rasai sentuhan lirik dan melodinya di kalbu ini, sudah semakin kurang diputar di saluran2 radio tapi kebelakangan ini sekali lagi ia ke udara dengan lebih kerap dan sentuhannya semakin terasa di hati ini dan terus berlegar2 di ingatanku dan memberi makna yang lebih mendalam...Ada kala menghiris emosiku yang berbaur ini.

Dealova - Once

Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih

Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
oh bayangmu seakan-akan

kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku
yg memanggil rinduku padamu
seperti udara yg kuhela kau selalu ada

Hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang
tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang
dan sepi, dan sepi

Selalu ada, kau selalu ada
Selalu ada, kau selalu ada

Aku ingin...

Selalu ada bersamamu tapi tak bisa
Dapat disentuh olehmu tapi tak mungkin
Dimilikki dirimu tapi tak pasti
Hanya Dia lebih Mengetahui...

"Cinta itu tak mampu ku kuburkan,
Ia tetap memenuhi segenap ruang hati ini..."

The Night Sailor.

Musim Penyakit

2006-07-13T16:58:00.000+08:00

Last Tuesday, bebudak semuanya sakit2... ada yang batuk, demam, selsema. Meleleh2 aku tengok hingus dorang... Ish ish ish...Keliling aku orang sakit2. Dari pagi ke petang. Ada yang aku pun kena selsema nih. Kat rumah, mak ngan ayah pun demam and selsema. Ya Allah... bagi ler kuat sket badan aku ni melawan penyakit.

Aku dah lama tak sakit nih... karang kalau kena, mau lama! Malam semalam dah mula perit2 hidung ni.... ari ni pun sama. Gi beli ubat kat farmasi tadi... harap2 ok la esok, sebab aku dah cancel kelas ari ni. Kalau esok pun kena cancel, parah aku.

Ni tengah mengular sambil check email. Bosan lak ari niiiii....

The bored Sailor.

Just Another Monday...

2006-07-10T17:15:00.000+08:00

Time flies so fast, we hardly notice it goes by. I felt the 2 weeks walked past me so quickly. I was stagnant, the time breezed through my walkway. Sigh... The one month WC fever left an impact but didn't make a groove in my thoughts. I wanted SO much for France to win (since my favorite Brazillian team didn't make it), but they DID NOT! Ceh!!

I managed to get some things done on schedule today. Got my glasses frames fixed. I was kinda angry actually, I paid for the glasses for an unworthy value of workmanship. Taubat lillahhhh... mmg aku tak antar lagi laaaa buat cermin mata kat kedai tu. But for as long as I'm using those glasses which they crudely made for me, I will spook them with my presence and get 'em fixed should anything go wrong again. It has only been 2 weeks and the screws loosened up, and as for my Gucci frame, they tampered with the frame and the multi-coating for the lenses peeled off. In TWO weeks only? And it was only an in-house brand and they over-charged me. I felt CHEATED! I should've just ordered the lenses at the shop which I usually go to. Damn la... a pair of Hoya lense only cost RM350 these days and the shop charged me their in-house brand at RM300.

Geez... I forgot to lunch today. These hungry pangs are reverberating right now. Oh, how I long for the sup tulang at Brickfields. Yummy yummy. Nak ajak Beez gi makan kat sana lah...

Later sambung blogging.

An Outing With My Dear Kakak

2006-07-09T23:36:00.000+08:00

It has been some time since I last met Kak Izan. She drove herself here...hehehe... finally, boleh pun dia drive sendiri ke mari. Tapi dari rumah aku ke destinasi, naik keta aku gak, aku gak yang drive. We went for a movie at GSC OU (my favorite window shopping spot). Tengok citer Scary Movies 4. Alahai... boleh tahan la tak bestnyaaaaa...tapi ticket dah beli, tonton je la.

Lunch was on her, movie tickets on her...Aduhai.. kalau keluar ngan akak aku sorang ni, dia manjakan aku lelebih lak. Tapi best gak, aku yang dah tua bangka ni dapat la buat seketika merasa cam budak2 sebab dimanjakan. Ahaksss... Well, how often do I get pampered kan? Selalunya aku yang pamper kawan2 yang aku anggap adik2 aku... kali ni kawan yang pangkat kakak pulak pamper aku. Yeahhh...! Best wooo...

Aku dragged Kak Izan ukur lantai One Utama tu dari new wing ke old wing balik ke new wing and back to old wing and finally last few steps at the new wing. Aku dah lama tak spend masa jalan2 seperti itu dengan kawan. Selalunya aku sorang. Okay gak tu, ada teman borak.

Catching up with each other's life encounters/ experiences... shared something of utmost secret with her and she understood. I think now she really understood.

Sometimes I feel that I haven't manifested my love towards her as a sister. I know she cares a lot for me. When her dad was still alive, he cared more about me than her but she never once showed a twinge of jealousy to me. She has always been a great sister to me.

Maafkan saya kalau akak rasa saya tak ambil berat and tak mengingati akak... tak mungkin itu berlaku... cuma masa dan pergolakan dalam diri ini yang menghalang saya dari berhubung dengan akak lebih kerap. Segala jasa baik, kasih sayang dari akak sekeluarga untuk saya takkan saya lupa hingga ke nafas terakhir. Ketahuilah kakak ku...

Andai ada perlakuan saya yang agak kasar terhadap akak atau kata-kata yang mengguris perasaan akak... maafkan saya.

Kalau ada masa nanti kita keluar lagi kak...saya akan bawa mak dan ayah mengunjungi akak dan makcik dalam masa terdekat ini. Insya'Allah....

Terima kasih untuk segala-gala yang telah akak lakukan untuk saya... untuk kasih sayang yang tidak pernah kurang nilainya dari dulu hingga kini, terima kasih atas pengorbanan akak.

Saya sayang Kak Izan...

Adikmu.

Omputih & Ketua Kampung

2006-07-08T08:57:00.000+08:00

More about my cats... Left- Bino and on the right- Uteh. This is the only picture of Bino we had before he has kidnapped one afternoon....

Bino was the only cat we had with yellowish tone. Ala2 mat salleh la gitu... yang lain2 semua white/grey fur. yang sebelah si Bino tu Uteh... dia ni cam ketua kampung, kalau pagi2 lepas breakfast dia merayau ntah ke mana, tengahari baru balik, pastu kotor yang teramat, by petang lak dia bersih kembali.

My Favorite Male Cat

2006-07-07T13:33:00.000+08:00

The whole family hated cats then. I hated cats when I was once scratched and wounded by a cat when I was a little girl. And everything changed since the arrival of NetNet. She was the first to book her place in the house. Ooopss... I'm supposed to talk about my favorite male cat, right? I'll feed you all with the stories of my cat in my later entries.

This is my favorite male cat. His name is Jose. This picture was taken when he was little. Probably about a couple of months' old.

And this, is when he had handsomely grown. A mature handsome male cat (castrated after one chance given to him though)

Well, he looks the same yeah, except for the size and his obvious 'male-ego'. Ahaksss!

He is my FAVORITE! He loves rasping at my feet, loves to be stroked (which cat doesn't like to be?), MANJA yang teramat amat.

There are10 cats in the household, in total. Well, the first cat (NetNet) was adopted by my 2nd brother and she finally became a responsibility of my mother after laziness swarmed over him. So are the rest of the generation... They became my 'siblings', mana taknya? Mak aku membahasakan diri dia 'mak' juga kat kucing2 tu. More to come in the next entry on the CATS.

On the day you turned 41

2006-07-07T04:49:00.000+08:00

July 1st, 2006

It was his birthday. Even if I didn't write it in my organizer, it is something that has been implanted in my memory. I'll always remember the date. And this year, on this very day, he turned 41. A year past 40. Some say life begins at 40, some say once you reach 40, if you don't change, you'll never change. In my opinion, M hasn't changed. I worry for him actually, but I can't change him. I've got to make efforts to change myself for good, how could I change others? We can't help the one we love if he or she won't help him/herself.

Yes, I loved him. I did. Once. It was all a thing of the past. Each time he makes his way into my life the love that used to be there fades away. I'm not a stopover. And I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. The 3rd time he showed himself in the doorstep of my heart, he claimed that he still loved me. He needed me. He wanted me more that anyone else. What he did to me wasn't intentional. How could I ever believe his words when he kept tearing my heart apart everytime he went away silently? Now trying to win my heart again, thinking that everything would be just the same as it was before? When you broke one's heart, you can't unbreak the heart. You simply can't.... I remained hurt.

M... I loved you with all my heart but you broke my heart. You left me in agony... I waited for you patiently but somehow you didn't care. He was there for me, instead of you. He was there to lend me a shoulder to cry on. Was it my fault to fall for him, the one who cared for me when YOU were never there, you never showed me you cared for me...mere words aren't good enough, M. Words uttered without immense feeling are meaningless. Was it my fault to shift my inmost feeling to J? You left me with nothing to hold on to. I don't need promises as promises are meant to be broken. All I asked for was for you to manifest your love towards me in actions. Actions speak louder than words. You know what I mean. Little actions, not too troubling ones. You know I've never demanded the impossible from you and will never do so. Was I at fault? You know the answer. You know what you had done to this very sensitive feelings of mine.

You barged into my life as if you owned it. Were you being fair to me? You wanted us to rekindle our love and that's just not possible, M... I can't, for the love isn't there anymore. Remember what I told you when you came after me? Each time you asked me, "sayang I tak?" I said, "kita kawan...kalau jodoh kita kawin, kalau takde jodoh kita kawan" and it was totally my mistake responding with those words because my pure intention was to 'jaga hati' you. I hoped you understood, but somehow you took me word for word.

I'm too hurt...

I pray that one day you will come to your senses and realize that we're probably not meant to be in each other's company as lovers or as legally married. Although I know I shouldn't be saying that as if I knew what God has in place for us, but at least that is what I feel. And I think that is probably the best for both of us. "Just friends". I won't blame you if you can't accept that. Your actions towards me, your hurting words onto me showed you can't accept it. I've forgiven you for the pain you caused me.

I pray for your well being on this 41st year of your living breath. You marked a milestone in my life, and I will remember you as a friend. ONLY A FRIEND.

Otak Washing Machine

2006-07-07T04:36:00.001+08:00

I can't sleep. Too much occupying my thoughts. Begitu banyak yang aku nak luahkan... tapi tak mampu sebab dah bertahun aku pendam segala2nya. Hati aku meronta2 nak share somethings dengan the people I love, but I simply can't...because some things are meant to be buried within ourselves and not shared with others. Kadang2 aku rasa nak jerit, but it's just not me nak menjerit2 ni. Kadang2 aku rasa nak nangis tapi kilang air mata aku ni dah kering kot? Atau tak nak bagi aku membazir air mata. Begitu banyak yang aku kandung dalam badan aku nih. BANYAK! Ada kala rasa macam nak give up jer ngan life, but then again, it's just not me nak give up, especially in life. Walau apa pun hidup perlu aku teruskan sehinggalah Penciptaku mahu degup jantung aku ini berhenti.

Mampukah aku teruskan hidup ini dengan segala macam dugaan yang didatangkan kepadaku? Hanya Dia yang tahu... kerana dia yang mencipta dan mewujudkan aku ini. Segalanya di luar pengetahuan aku, tapi kalau Dia yang memberi segala dugaan yang aku lalui ini, Dia tahu yang aku mampu melaluinya. Jadi, wahai aku, jangan la banyak bertanya. Laluilah apa sahaja yang mendatang.

Night Sailor.

Happy Birthday Ayah...

2006-06-28T01:43:00.000+08:00

27 June 2006

I left off yesterday with a grumpy mood. Didn't stay up to watch the soccer games. I'd be freaking out with the lack of sleep and the kids would jolt towards my slump mood.

In the morning...

Had a good sleep, woke up fresh. Wished ayah a Happy 62nd Birthday and left for work.

Today will be the last day for Jia Wen and Jia Wei. I've started missing them, especially Jia Wen. If she were my own child, I'd be one happy mother, the happiest on earth!

Anyway, Ayah called me in the afternoon and told me to spare my evening for a family dinner and I confirmed. I guess it'll be Concorde KL again. I wonder if Bakhtiar will be joining us.

In the evening...

Well, as I thought, Concorde it is. I suggested Manhattan Fish Market but mak was not really in favor of the suggestion. That's just her actually, not inclined towards changes, towards new experiences, towards new things but that's just her. It is okay. I can live with that for as long as I think I can.

Bakhtiar made it in time to leave for KL (after much bising2 from mak-there's a story underlying). Today's dinner buffet was exotic, so everyone except adik went for it. Makan2, chit chat, 'bersandar kekenyangan' sebentar, and time to leave.

That is the normal birthday celebration/ get-together for ayah and mak and each of us will make it a point to make our presence.

Happy 62nd birthday Ayah... I love you very much. You had been my inspiration and my motivation to fight through this life and its difficult turns and stops. I will remember each lesson you taught me about life. No matter how much and how many times I wanted to give up, each time I think of you, my fighting spirit aflames. Thank you for everything you have done for me...thank you, thank you, thank you and million thank you's for other things even I couldn't even remember you had done for me. I will always love you.

Night Sailor

The Love of My Life

2006-06-26T23:04:00.000+08:00

You...

I hate you but I miss you and I love you but I hate you and I long for you and
I miss every single thing about you

I love you when you manifest your love towards me
I love the way you soothe my sore mind
I love the way you smile at me
I love the way you touch me
I love the way you look into my eyes
I love the way you kiss me
I love the way you treat me when you show that you love me
I love almost everything about you

I hate you when you hurt me most
I hate you when you gave me that ignorance bliss
I hate it when you keep your distance away at the time I want to swim in the depth of your soul
I hate it when you want me to understand you but you won't let me
I hate you when you kept your silence
I hate you when you made me weep my sleepless nights

When you hurt me and I felt the pain to the core of my being,

I am damn ANGRY at you for hurting me
I am damn MAD at you for doing this to me
I loathe even the slightest thought of you
I hate even listening to your music
I detest the mention of your name on air

When I'm hurt by YOU and I'm in pain and I'm so lonely,

I miss your presence in the my emptiness of my heart
I dream of you in my disturbed sleepsI miss your warm embrace
I think of you when I'm resting
I think of you when I'm feeling the pain you caused
I think of you when I'm alone
I think of you in almost everything I do

My dear man,

Tell me what should I do...
Should I just bury you in time?
Should I be angry at you (shouldn't I be for the pain you caused?) ?
Should I, shouldn't I, could I, wouldn't I...?

I'm a perplexed woman...but bear this in mind, for I certainly can't deny and can't lie to myself...
that I LOVE YOU... Damn it, I DO... still do... still...and will ALWAYS do.

The Perplexed Me.

Why Can't I Write Again?

2006-06-26T23:00:00.000+08:00

As I'm writing this, I'm watching one of my favorite movies, entitled 'Finding Forrester' starring Sean Connery. I could watch this movie for more than a dozen times. But there is a question in my head... if William Forrester, the character Connery acted as, was a real life character. I like the way 'William Forrester' wrote. His language use was brilliant. A part of what he said was when you want to write, you just start writing. First draft, you just a write with your heart...then you write with your head. Come to think about what he said, I don't know if that's really true. Maybe it is. When I looked back at my paperworks during the varsity days, I am surprised that I could actually WRITE! The flair was there... but unfortunately it's gone. I find great difficulty in writing nowadays. Why? Why can't I write no more? Why have I lost my touch?

Upset Me.

A short moment of happiness

2006-06-24T12:36:00.000+08:00

23rd June, 2006

Atie and her entourage made their way to KL. Her brother is getting engaged. I went to fetch her at USJ to dine together. Gawsh, it was drizzling and traffic jam... I felt relieved that I drove adik's car instead of mine. An ease to my feet and to my emotion too.

As we reached Brickfields, I suddenly thought of him. I drove Atie and myself to his place first. Just wanted to see if he's around, because for the last few times I dropped by, he wasn't in and it was quite a frustration. Arrived at the foyer, I made my way upstairs, stopping by at the mail box to check if he's been there or not. The two letters I saw the day before weren't there... so he had probably been there. I paced up the stairs... and voila! It wasn't locked from outside.

I told him I have a friend waiting in the car... he asked me to call her to join us for a while. So I did. We chatted for about an hour and then Kulat came by. More chats and then I felt that it was time to go. I excused Atie and myself, he showed us to the door. As I walked a few steps ahead, the feeling of love for him swarmed over me. I walked back to the door... he was waiting for me actually... I kissed him on the cheek and finally left.

It was such a short moment...but a moment of total happiness, spiced up with pain.

Lagu rindu hatiku

2006-06-11T23:50:00.000+08:00

Kala aku merindumu
Engkau tak tahu
Hati meruntun menginginimu
Hingga lenyap ditelan masa

Apa dalam hatiku
Hanya aku dan Dia yang tahu
Engkau mungkin tahu
Engkau mungkin tak tahu
Atau engkau buat tak tahu
Atau engkau tidak mahu tahu
Mungkin sengaja tidak ambil tahu

Bila engkau menyepi
Aku mendiamkan diri
Biarkan engkau dengan duniamu
Dengan kesibukanmu

Aku buat tidak tahu
Aku tidak mahu tahu
Aku rindu padamu
Itu yang aku tahu
Tetapi aku biarkan begitu
Kerana itu yang paling ku mampu

Engkau akan muncul juga nanti
Bila kau merinduiku
Sesungguhnya kau tahu
Aku cinta padamu
Aku rindu padamu
Dan tidak dapat kau dusta pada dirimu
Bahawa aku ada di dalam hatimu
Ada dalam mindamu
Walau tidak kau lafazkan
Walau tidak kau tunjukkan
Aku merasainya
Kau tahu...
Memang kau tahu...
Bahawa kau juga rasa begitu.

Aku biarkan saja
Kau ambil masamu
Ku lalui titian masa yang kau cipta
Kerana kita akan bertemu di titian itu.

Emosi ku di kala ini,

Nelayan Malam

First day first thought

2006-02-18T12:57:00.000+08:00

Blogging would be interesting if it's purely private, but I guess 'online' doesn't include privacy in its meanings. However, I would dedicate this blog to the people I love... if they are unaware of the existence of my love towards them, perhaps reading this will make them realize.

There is so much love in my being that sometimes I just don't know how much I should contribute and how much in return I should receive. Nevertheless, when I say I love one, I mean my words.

Let me share the love I have in my core with everyone I know...